I spent several hours today trying to get my new Comcast High-Speed Internet Cable Modem connected. The experience really drove home the point that these bozos are not who we want running the internet and just how important passing net neutrality really is.

The warning signs were visible before I even ran into problems with tech support. I took out the cable modem and got it running pretty quickly. I didn't even need to install all of the fancy Flash demos from the "Manual" CD. However, I was immediately given pause by the curiously labelled button "Internet On/Off". This could get me in real trouble. What if my cat accidentally bumped it right in the middle of a Japanese professor publishing his important findings on cancer research! And I would be getting calls all day long from kids trying to upload pictures of their boobs/biceps (or both) on MySpace, "Stan! Did you turn off the internet again?"

Exhibit 1: A very dangerous button.

The next major flag was when I put in the installation CD. Not only does it tell me to turn off all firewalls, anti-virus software, and poke holes in all my condoms... it then has the audacity to not let me actually install anything unless I do it using Internet Explorer. Even Microsoft tells Mac users to just use Safari instead. I, very reluctantly, click "yes" to continue. The installer then asks me for my administrator password. "Why?" I ask. "I just wanted to change your internet settings," it says. "Can't you just tell me what they should be?" I ask. "No, it's really better if I do it myself," it replies. I type in my password.

It gives me an error and quits.

Exhibit 2: Please drink poison before continuing this installation.

At this point I ask my roommate if it looks like I'm doing anything retarded. She confirms my sanity, so we engage in a lively text chat with Comcast's finest. His advice... Turn off the modem and turn it back on 5 minutes later. I do that. Same error. I fire up the Mac's diagnostic software and see that the installer keeps resetting the network settings to something ridiculous. I set it to DHCP by hand. Now every website redirects to Comcast. I consider this progress.

We text chat with another technician. His advice... Do you have Flash? Seriously. I am trying to install a modem and he asks me about Flash. "Flash?" I ask, "Like, the plug-in?" "Make sure you have version 9," he offers. "How exactly will that prevent Comcast from rerouting all of my HTTP requests to your website? I don't think that's the problem." "You can see the Comcast website?" "I just told you that." "Oh, then just click on the installation link at the bottom of the page." "Fine." No, I was not actually that snippy.

I do. It downloads and installs the same damn thing that came on the CD. I am back to square one. I switch over the ADSL and surf around a bit. I learn about "Walled Gardens" and "Modem Provisioning". I get educated. I decide to call back and tell them that the problem is that their installer is not sending the MAC address for my modem and that they need to add me by hand. This solution is made possible by people other than Comcast publishing information about Comcast's network. It scares me completely that if network neutrality isn't made law that I could be completely prevented from accessing sites Comcast considers offering information to "hackers" or something.

Exhibit 3: Yes, the majesty of the Comcast High-Speed Internet

I wish this story had a happy ending. When I called Comcast again, I got a very friendly woman who, unfortunately, couldn't do much more for me than fill out an Escalation Ticket. "It's too bad you can't just flip it on for me," I say. "Well, we could a month ago, but that privilege has since been removed. Honestly, we're kind of frustrated about it." "Me, too."

The final dystopian vision came while I was flipping through the Comcast brochure while on hold. It is entitled "A fast look at all you can do with your new Comcast High-Speed Internet service" and is filled with popular internet destinations like: Comcast PhotoCenter, Disney Connection, The Fan (which lets me watch "clips"!), and Rhapsody^TM. No mention of Flickr, Homestar Runner, YouTube, or Last.fm. No, sir. Why would anyone want any of those when we've got all the Comcast approved services... that would inevitably run faster than their more diverse counterparts if Comcast gets their way?