Is it just me, or does the entire air travel industry run on hot air? And I mean more than the stuff thats rammed through super-heated jets in order to keep the planes in the air.

They tell you when your plane is leaving, but if you get there less than 30 minutes in advance you've "missed it."

The rules for bringing on shampoo are fairly complex (more than 3 ounces requires checking your bag, less than 3 ounces is allowed as long as it's sealed inside a 1-quart ziploc bag, available for purchase right next to the security checkpoint), but clearly no security guard truly believes that preventing contraband shampoo will affect the security of your journey.

For that matter, I have to empty my pockets and take off my belt every time I go through security... each time I consider just taking off my pants to save time—I have to choke back, "so... how many terrorists you guys catch today?"

The safety instructions that we're asked to listen to pay extensive attention to water landings, even though none have ever occured in the history of air travel. Also, since they know this, flight attendants don't seem to care if you don't listen.

Okay, I just fact-checked that last paragraph and it seems that there have been a few instances of planes under- or over-shooting runways near water that have resulted in people needing their flotation devices. Imagine the announcement, "in the event of our pilot barely missing the runway, a flotation device is located..."

The whole cell-phone-will-bring-down-the-plane assertion is ludicrous and even the FCC has proposed opening up planes to cellular use.

As I write this, my travel companion Japhet has discovered a "notice of baggage inspection" in his luggage. My favorite part is:

If the TSA security officer was unable to open your bag for inspection because it was locked, the officer may have been forced to break the locks on your bag. TSA sincerely regrets having to do this, however TSA is not liable for damage to your locks resulting from this necessary security precaution.

Yes, sincerely.

I'm not entirely sure if you can disclaim liability after you've done something. That sounds like an Unreasonable Agreement to me.

My biggest concern in all of this is the lack of recourse. I'm already riding trains whenever I can. What else can I do to tell these bastards that I don't appreciate being treated like a criminal for desiring silky, smooth hair.