At 29, I've lived longer than Jimi Hedrix, James Dean, and Kurt Cobain. I had almost given up on celebrity, but then I go and get named Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year. All I can say, "It's about frickin' time."

I'm not lying or even embellishing. Feel free to check out Time Magazine's official site and see for yourself.

They cite many of my achievements over the last year. As Americans grew weary of the overproduced drivel on television they increasingly turned to sites like YouTube for entertainment and I was there with my videos from Japan. As Americans sought connection they looked for long lost friends and family on sites like MySpace and I was there, smiling back at them. As Americans rejected corporate news they turned to alternative sources, like blogs, and I was there with the Stanifesto. I haven't even mentioned the events I've added to Upcoming or the links I've added to Del.icio.us, but I think you get the idea.

I know what you're thinking. I wasn't even aware that Stan was a candidate! I know, right? Honestly, I was a little surprised myself... mostly because, if I qualify for these sorts of contests, why haven't I won any before?

This year, George Clooney was named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for a second time. That's right, he was chosen back in 1997 as well. Granted, People does have a blog where you can <a href="http://guywatch.people.com/sma2006/#entry-14117653" title='GuyWatch' or something">nominate men you know personally (how very 2.0 of them), but are our celebrity stocks so depleted we have to double-dip in the man candy already? That's like nominating someone with the last name of "Bush" or "Clinton" for president ever again—kind of a big "F-U" to the other 300 million or so Americans who haven't been tapped yet. Like me.

It's the same thing with that other big contest, the Nobel Peace Prize. They really need to take Time's lead and honor me with a golden dove or stick of dynamite or whatever you get when you win. I'm especially qualified as well. Take a look at the list of past winners. I've ordered substantially fewer people killed than either Henry Kissinger or Yasser Arafat.

I'll be submitting my demo reel for Oscar consideration as soon as I have some time to burn a DVD.